Money tips for complicated families with Stepmom Diaries podcast host Cameron Normand

 

Episode Description: Cameron Normand of This Custom Life, and Co-CEO of Stepfamily Magazine shares her strategies and advice for blended and otherwise complicated family finances

A little sneak peek into Cameron Normand’s episode!

Timestamps & Main Points:

  • 00:00 - Introduction

  • 04:13 - lots of complicated blended family challenges

  • 05:58 - they’re not trusting what you’re doing with money

  • 08:46 - you want to be having regular budget meetings

  • 11:02 - if you open an account for the step-kids and they blow it

  • 15:19 - it doesn’t feel like instant family


Cameron’s Bio:

Cameron Normand is host of The Stepmom Diaries podcast, Owner of This Custom Life, Co-CEO of Stepfamily Magazine and Co-founder of The Stepmom Summit. She provides stepmoms with tools and advice to help them get MORE out of their blended family lives. She is a Certified Stepparent Coach, the creator of the BLENDED Family Formula For Stepmom Success, and author of The Stepmom’s Gratitude Journal. She's been featured in The Cut, Business Insider, Upjourney, Stepfamily Magazine, and the Today Parenting Team, among others. Cameron received her BA from the University of South Carolina and her JD from Emory University School of Law. By day, she is a corporate politico in the Washington, D.C. area and serves on several non-profit boards. She was named one of the Washington Business Journal’s, “Women Who Mean Business.”

 
 

Links to resources mentioned in the episode!

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Full Transcript:


Cameron Normand:

You need to let your partner be the heavy because you need to focus on bonding with your stepkids and that includes where finances are concerned. If you open up an account for one of the stepkids and they go out and blow it all at the track and spend it all on fast food, you might be irritated, angry about that. Let your partner have that discussion with them. And then what I like to do, and I think it helps with the bonding, is sort of come back in after the fact, after they've been the bad cop and been the heavy and say, "Hey, how are you feeling? How did that conversation make you feel? What do you think about all this? What do you think about how you handled that situation? What would you do differently?"

Bobbi Rebell:

You are listening to Money Tips for Financial Grownups. With me, certified financial planner, Bobbi Rebell, author of Launching Financial Grownups. Because you know what? Grownup life is really hard but together we got this.

Did you know that about 60% of children in the United States live in blended families? That's according to the Pew Research Center. I was surprised and then I started thinking about my family and those around me. I myself am a stepmother. In fact, many of you are familiar with my stepchildren because they inspired my recent book, Launching Financial Grownups. I also have a stepmother and four step-siblings. Sometimes it gets complicated, but apparently it's not unusual if it ever was. Maybe we're just starting to talk about it more. Cameron Normand has a lot to say about the matter. She is the stepmother to four kids, and that inspired what is a growing empire of resources for blended families and also, I should say otherwise complicated families. She hosts the Stepmom Diaries podcast on which I was a guest.

Cameron also provides resources through This Custom Life and Stepfamily Magazine where she is co-CEO. In our interview, we talk about how to handle money related parenting decisions in blended families, especially when, let's say, the bio parent and the stepparent don't agree. And what to say when people gush about how great it is that you got to have an "instant family," which is a trigger actually for many of us. If you don't get it, you're going to listen to this interview and it will all make sense. Here is Cameron Normand.

Cameron Normand. You're a financial grown up. Welcome to the podcast.

Cameron Normand:

Thank you. I'm so excited to be here. This is fun.

Bobbi Rebell:

I'm excited to have you because this is an episode that's going to be very special for me because it's something that I, it's not that I in no way hide it, but it's something that I don't usually talk about. And that is that I am a stepmother, I'm part of a blended family, and that is something that complicates everything, including our money. And you have a number of amazing resources for blended families, for stepmothers and also for everyone that knows a blended family, which is basically everybody. Because if you look around, this is the way our world looks right now. So tell us a little bit about you, how you got started in this and a quick synopsis because there's a lot of it of your sort of mini enterprise of resources for blended families.

Cameron Normand:

So you're right, the number of blended families is only growing. There are 1300 a day that are forming, and that statistic is actually really old. I think the number's actually much larger than that. So if you're not in a blended family, chances are someone that you know or love is. So these discussions are really important to have. And I realized that when I met my husband and he came with four kids and they were between the ages, at the time, eight and 14. So that's right in the heat of...

Bobbi Rebell:

That is the thick of it.

Cameron Normand:

That is really the thick of it. But I realized when I got into it, and by the time I was kind of knee deep in it and I thought I knew what to expect because I was a stepdaughter and had lots of complicated blended family challenges of my own growing up. But I got into it and realized I did not know what I was doing and I made all kinds of mistakes. I am very type A. I am lawyer by background and I looked for the resources. I mean, I was like, "Give me the handbook, where is this?" And the short answer is there wasn't one so I created it. So I host the Stepmom Diaries podcast. I own This Custom Life, which has resources for stepmoms and I co-own Stepfamily Magazine, which has a ton of resources for blended families. So I try to provide all the things that I didn't have, and I feel like if I can help one stepmom or blended family on their journey, then I've done my job.

Bobbi Rebell:

And truth be told, I have done a deep dive on your blog and there are so many articles that are relevant to me even as I've been a stepmom now for 16 years. I have one 26-year-old, one 23-year-old, and I also have, I guess I call myself a bio mom to a 15-year-old. So it's a double blend in that sense. And there were so many different articles that I related to. And one thing that you are very candid about that I think is something relevant to this podcast and why I wanted to have you here is that money questions aren't just about money when it comes to blended families because it's so nuanced because of the relationships. So tell us about your approach to money with blended families.

Cameron Normand:

That's so true. And really in any relationship, money can symbolize other stuff that's going on. If you have trust issues, it's going to manifest in some of these hard money conversations, which can really be amplified in blended families. So if your spouse had trust issues with their previous spouse, that could come out as you're having money conversations with them. If they seem like they're not trusting what you're doing with money or whatever, all of that, it's just all sort of intertwined. And these discussions can be really, really difficult.

Bobbi Rebell:

It's also complicated because there may be the biological mom, the ex-spouse on either side, because sometimes blended families have both spouses, have had previous marriages or children with other people. And so it's hard enough to be on the same page when it comes to money and the values associated with money with just your spouse. But then you have other parents in the mix that are also trying to instill their values, their financial values in children. So what do you do to manage that?

Cameron Normand:

It's hard. I mean, I think on most issues I follow the general principle of you can't control what you can't control. You can control what happens in your household. You can control how you react to things and how you act about things. And so when it comes to kids, if the other parent is doing things or teaching them financial lessons that you don't agree with, you don't want a badmouth their mom. You don't want to badmouth their dad, but you can have a conversation with them about how things are going to be handled in your household. So if you set up a bank account for them, you can talk about how that's going to be handled with them. And if you're setting up a bank account, chances are they're probably a teenager or at least close to a teenager and they're old enough to sort of understand that things at one household may look different than things at another.

And so you can end up having a really great influence on them financially, even if things are handled differently in the other house. But it can be really complicated, I mean these are hard issues even when you don't throw in all the different potential adults into the mix.

Bobbi Rebell:

It is hard and it's important. You say one of your money tips is to have conversations early and often. And I want to emphasize often because this isn't a check off the list and you're done, especially depending on the age that you become a stepparent. They may be able to understand things differently at different ages and also things change. For example, even your financial situation could change, hopefully for good and that brings up other complications, especially if, for example, spouses have different financial resources, there's a lot there.

Cameron Normand:

Absolutely. And the often is really important because you don't always get, I mean, sometimes you figure out on the not early side of things that you need to be having these conversations. So even when that happens, when you're already knee deep or waist deep in all this stuff, having the conversations often is really important because as you said, it doesn't... These challenges and these things to talk about, I mean it's sort of conversations that you would have just with your spouse if you weren't dealing with a blended family or a family of any sort. You want to be having regular budget meetings, you want to be having regular state of the state conversations. And with kids, teaching them to have those conversations regularly, even when they're out on their own and they're just sort of having those conversations with themselves, looking at their monthly budget and stuff when they've got their own apartments and stuff like that.

If you can install those habits early, better for them, but better for putting them in a situation where they are taking a hard look at all of this and being responsible and learning the right lessons and all of that kind of stuff.

Bobbi Rebell:

So true. It's also reality that sometimes it's uncomfortable being the stepparent and you're going to be put in awkward situations, things where there's kind of no winning answer. So you say your other money tip is get comfortable being uncomfortable.

Cameron Normand:

Yes. Don't be afraid to talk about the awkwardness. I mean I've had conversations with my stepkids, not necessarily about money where I've said, "Look, this feels weird. I know that you have two parents and I'm not one of them. I know it may feel weird to you to have me here expressing viewpoints on different things, but we have this unique opportunity to form this relationship that can be whatever we want it to be. It doesn't have to be, I'm not your mom, I'm not your dad. We can be whatever we decide that's going to be." So if you can call out the awkwardness, name the elephant in the room, then that makes them feel a little more comfortable having those conversations with you.

Bobbi Rebell:

It's so true. And the truth is, in a way, you get more freedom as a stepparent because you don't have to be the heavy in those things. And you can define how you want your relationship with your stepfamily, the whole family really to be because you do have a little more freedom in that sense. That said, it's also important to have expectations and another money tip of yours, to set boundaries.

Cameron Normand:

Absolutely. And I want to underscore something you just said, which is you don't have to be the heavy. I actually think stepparents shouldn't be the heavy. You need to let your partner be the heavy because you need to focus on bonding with your stepkids. And that includes where finances are concerned. If you open up an account for one of the stepkids and they go out and blow it all at the track and spend it all on fast food, you might be irritated, angry about that. Let your partner have that discussion with them. And then what I like to do, and I think it helps with the bonding, is sort of come back in after the fact, after they've been the bad cop and been the heavy and say, "Hey, how are you feeling? How did that conversation make you feel? What do you think about all this? What do you think about how you handled that situation? What would you do differently?" And make it more conversational.

Talk to them. You're not their friend, you're a stepparent, but take that tack of where they know they can talk to you about stuff and it'll help with the bonding because you really can't discipline. It's going to negatively impact your relationship with the kid if you try and get in and be the heavy too often. So I wanted to underscore that you said that because it's really important.

Bobbi Rebell:

Right back at you, what I love about what you just said is that you emphasize, you sort of spoke in a different tone. I don't know if you noticed that you were doing it, but you spoke in a gentle and sort of welcoming, inviting tone and I think how you speak, the tone in which you speak to your stepchildren, it's something that's a work in progress with me. I'm trying to get better at it, but it's something I'm really doing more as they're older. They're 23 and 26, as I said, is really my role is to be approachable with questions, to be there, to be a resource, not to solve their problems. But to put them on a path to find the solutions themselves, to be self-sufficient as adults, obviously because I wrote a book about that. But to give them the guidance and be there as someone that's not going to judge them, that's not going to necessarily discipline them that they can come to and say, "Oh, I kind of messed this up. What do I do?"

Because sometimes as kids get older, especially they're embarrassed, they feel they should know something. And maybe that's a great niche for a stepparent to be in, to not feel that they're going to be judged to go to you not as a friend because you're not their friend. It's a different relationship. I'm not sure, we need to figure out a buzzword for it, Cameron. I don't know.

Cameron Normand:

Definitely.

Bobbi Rebell:

But the loving stepparent, that's not going to judge, that's going to help them find the information to figure out the answers for themselves. And you don't... I'm not saying to keep information from your spouse, but you can have a different relationship with them. Do you agree with that? It can sort of be your own thing.

Cameron Normand:

I totally do, and I think with one of my stepkids in particular, she comes to me with stuff a lot of times before she talks to either of her parents about it because we have developed that ability for me to be a sounding board for her. And I think that that's such a precious relationship. That if you can establish that, and it doesn't always happen. Kids... It's just a hard role and it also can take five to seven years for a stepfamily to really bond and that includes bonding with the kids. So it can take a really long time and you have to kind of be in it for the long haul, but when you can kind of set yourself apart as a resource for them, as someone who just... They know you just want the best for them, they know that you're... When they tell you something, you're going to give them unvarnished, good advice that is only looking out for them, doesn't have an agenda, you're just sort of there. I think that's really, really valuable.

Bobbi Rebell:

And I like that you said five to seven years because, and that's something, by the way, on your blog, you do have a numerous articles really talking about the importance of taking a long-term view. That we have these sort of ideas that we're going to instantly bond with these young people or however old they are when they come into our lives. But you have this, I don't know if we call it a fantasy, but we have this sort of dream and idea that they're just going to bond with us and it's going to be right away or that if it doesn't work right away, we're toast. Right? That's not true. Sometimes it can be rocky at first, but really the stepfamilies, the blended families that work, it's not instant in many cases. It's often an investment that you have to make of time, of love, of good conversations and just as you say, of being approachable and being a resource for them.

Cameron Normand:

That's so true. And I think that this whole term instant family, and I can't tell you how many people, and you probably got this too.

Bobbi Rebell:

Everyone told me, "Oh, you have an instant family."

Cameron Normand:

Instant Family. All of a sudden you have these four kids and I'm like, "Yeah, it's not really... It doesn't feel like an instant family. I still feel like I don't really belong here." I mean this is like a weird, this instant family concept, is just not right and I wish that people would stop saying that.

Bobbi Rebell:

No, I couldn't agree more because I went from single to having three kids in a year and a half and everyone's like, "Oh, instant family." It's like, no, I have a newborn and I have two elementary school kids instantly. By the way, my final sort of comment and then I want to give you the last word, is that it's also a lot for them and I think it's really important for everyone involved in stepfamilies and blended families, not just the moms and the stepdads and the partners. Everyone that knows a blended family to understand that the parents married each other and they chose each other, but the kids didn't get necessarily a say in it. So this is coming right at them. So you have to really give them the time and the space to adjust to the blended family that in almost every case they had no say or very little say, and hopefully their parent gave them some feedback initially, but they didn't choose this.

They didn't fall in love and have that trajectory that the parents had. So we want to always be sensitive to that, that you may be all rah, rah, there may be a lot of complications, not the least of which is just the complications of growing up going on with them and with that. So Cameron, final word and where can people find you and be in touch?

Cameron Normand:

So I'm on Instagram @this_custom_life. I do have a little financial freebie at stepfamilymoney.com, which is a top 10 list of conversations that you should have with your spouse if you're marrying someone with kids in terms of finances.

Bobbi Rebell:

Wish I had that before. It all worked out, but wish I had that so everyone... Even if you're already married, get the list now, it's never too late.

Cameron Normand:

Absolutely. And then I host the Stepmom Diaries podcast so you can find me there.

Bobbi Rebell:

Thank you so much.

Cameron Normand:

Thank you.

Bobbi Rebell:

A big thank you to so many of you that have already bought my new book, Launching Financial Grownups: Live Your Richest Life by Helping Your (Almost) Adult Kids Become Everyday Money Smart. This book was not easy to write because I had to get honest with myself about what was working with my teen and young adult kids and what was not working and I also had to be prepared to share it with all of you. So first of all, thank you for your support and your wonderful responses to it. There's definitely some things in there that you may not have been expecting to hear. By the way, I got a lot of help from my money expert friends and also financial therapists and parenting experts. I am really happy with how Launching Financial Grownups came out, even though it really was hard to be, like I said, that honest and it was a lot of work, but I really love doing it and I'm really happy with how it came out.

On that note, if you have not already, please pick up a copy of Launching Financial Grownups today. After you do, please share it on social media. Please leave a review on Amazon. Those reviews are super important because the algorithm picks up on them and that can make the book a lot more visible to more people. So I truly appreciate it and I really also appreciate all of your support. This was an intense interview for me as you could probably tell. I get pretty passionate when it comes to my own experiences in blended families, stressing the plural, blended families. I think we need to be talking more about it, especially acknowledging that as much as the parents, which is me, seem to get thrown into blended families and need time to find our way, the kids, also me, also get thrown into it. But in the case of the kids in these blended families, they didn't choose it.

So we as the parents need to really appreciate that side of things. It's not until recently that I started really thinking about it from that perspective. So I'm curious, what stood out to you about this conversation and more importantly, what did we miss that we should be talking about? Be in touch. You can DM me on Instagram at bobbirebell1, that's B-O-B-B-I-R-E-B-E-L-L and then the number one. Be sure to check out our show notes for a link to Cameron's free download, 10 conversations everyone must have when they settle down with someone who has Kids. You can find the show notes on my website, bobbirebell.com. Just look for the podcast tab and while you're there, you can also get a free transcript of the podcast and sign up for our free newsletter. Big thanks to the Stepmom Diaries' Cameron Normand for helping us all be financial grownups.

Money Tips for Financial Grownups is a production of BRK Media, LLC. Editing and production by Steve Stewart. Guest coordination, content creation, social media support and show notes by Ashley Wall. You can find the podcast show notes, which include links to resources mentioned in the show as well as show transcripts, by going to my website, bobbirebell.com. You can also find an incredible library of hundreds of previous episodes to help you on your journey as a financial grownup. The podcast and tons of complimentary resources associated with the podcast is brought to you for free, but I need to have your support in return. Here's how you can do that.

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